Let’s be real, mulch has to be a scam. Right? They are selling you crap that they scraped off someone else’s land to beautify it. And then you spread it on your land to … beautify it.
What is mulch? For those of us who didn’t grow up with mulch because we had dirt, mulch is the sausage of lawn care. It is the remains of beautiful things shoveled off the floor and shredded. A little dye may be added to achieve a specific color (e.g., red mulch. Who uses red mulch? The people who don’t want anyone to see them bleed.) Then it's sold as a land covering, a barrier against weeds and moisture evaporating. Only thing missing is a casing of pig intestines, but let’s not give them any ideas.
Mulch is made from various sources of organic debris. Those leaves you bagged up from those trees you hate could be turned into mulch. Grass clippings could be mulch, probably want to have an herbicide on hand if you go that route. And then there’s wood mulch from grinding up redwoods. Man, imagine telling your neighbor, “Redwood mulch.” Their face … a smile shrinking as understanding takes over. Then you guys get hammered and roll in the shredded remains of a thousand-year-old tree. That’s how it’d be if you were a billionaire, anyway. Rest of us get mutt tree and maybe a little cedar.
Don’t roll in it.
I feel like mulch is more than just capitalistic excellence, that an evil genius went into marketing instead of world domination and said, “Mulch. Unto the darkness bind you.” Mulch turns to dirt after a season or two. It needs to be pulled up (and probably turned back into mulch for spreading at someone else’s house) and fresh put down. You can just keep dropping new layers but lose some of the antiweed benefits of doing it right. Spreading mulch is labor intensive, which means your back or your wallet hurts. And if something goes wrong with the application of your mulch, YOU are at fault. If the weeds pop up, YOU did not prepare the bed adequately. If the mulch bleeds into your lawn, YOU used too much or did not put up a landscaping barrier. If the mulch turns white and becomes a carpet of fungal infection and mold, YOU fell for the scam, son!
River rocks. Those never let us down as kids. They stay right where you put them year after year. One application and done. Maintenance is herbicide or a little weeding and blowing clean. And they look good, unless you’re pushing the scam.
Like my wife. haha
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